Mitch Hedberg, What a nice night for an evening. Eddie Murphy Ellen DeGeneres, Why don’t they give us things we can actually use? Aparna Nancherla (Twitter), In this horrible time, let us at least be bolstered by small miracles like finding out your ex moved to a different city. We don’t often feature funny quotes on Wealthy Gorilla, but after compiling this list, I’ll make an exception. Ricky Gervais, That’s the other thing I learned that day, that the truth, however shocking or uncomfortable, in the end leads to liberation and dignity. Don’t keep telling people what you’re doing. Accept who you are. I don’t even believe myself when I say I’ll be ready in 5 minutes. Chris Rock, Wealth is not about having a lot of money; it’s about having a lot of options. 68. Zach Galifianakis. See more ideas about funny quotes, funny, quotes. The good and the bad. Fred Allen, If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments. Finally my winter fat is done. Bill Murray, There are only three things women need in life: food, water and compliments. Jimmy Fallon, Thank you, 2:30 in the morning, for always being the first sign that tomorrow’s gonna suck. Kids are like buckets of disease that live in your house. funny wise sayings and short funny quotes about life #33. Sarcastic Coronavirus quote. Jimmy Carter (US president 1977 to 1981), The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits. Some of the quotes below are pure gold! Ryan Reynolds, People in LA are deathly afraid of gluten. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off. Simran Khurana. Show more. No. If you’re in need of some giggles, you’ve come to the right place. This is the war room.” —President Merkin Muffley (Peter Sellers), … You get married, you’re no longer an individual. Laugh until you gasp for breath. Woody Allen, Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing. Girls are fucked up. Jon Stewart, Religion. As […] I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it’s like a circus in my head. 12 Copy quote. … Kevin: Bit__, it’s right there on the corner. Jim Carrey Click to tweet, Desperation is a necessary ingredient to learning anything, or creating anything. You can’t do nothing by yourself when you get married. Tina Fey, It will never be perfect, but perfect is overrated. Tweet. Groucho Marx, The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. Funny Wise Quotes & Sayings . Everything happens for a reason. Unknown, I’m actually not funny. So far, so good. TRENDING Best Fart Jokes. People who criticize you have usually never achieved anywhere near what you have. It’s kind of ironic. Jim Carrey, Life opens up opportunities to you, and you either take them or you stay afraid of taking them. Not me, I’m afraid of widths. Keep going. Billy Sunday, Never trust people who smile constantly. "I've met a lot of hard-boiled eggs in my life, but you - you're 20 minutes." Woody Allen, Men learn to love the woman they are attracted to. Or did we just f*cking blow your mind!? George Carlin, I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member. Teach them to question what they read, teach them to question everything. He's a plastic surgeon. Steven Wright, I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol. Because cynicism is a self-imposed blindness, a rejection of the world because we are afraid it will hurt us or disappoint us. “Fuck it.” That’s really the attitude that’s keeps a family together. Don’t text or twitter during the show. Books, blogs, quotes and nature became his guide. Mark Twain, A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on. Education Expert. Ricky Gervais, Enjoy life. Jim Carrey, You know the trouble with real life? Ryan Reynolds, Bob Ross is very calming. Mitch Hedberg, The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30 percent of their ice cream. Are more successful in dealing with aversive events or when life goals are impeded. Jon Stewart, If you don’t stick to your values when they’re being tested, they’re not values” they’re hobbies. Funny quotes are great for bringing a bit of humor into our lives. “ Stephen Colbert, In order to maintain an untenable position, you have to be actively ignorant. It's funny how good memories can make you cry, But sometimes the reason is that you’re stupid and you make bad decisions. Louis C.K. Here are 60 short and funny motivational quotes to help brighten your day: 60 Short & Funny Motivational Quotes. You hit like a bitch. It’s all we’ve got. Am I perfect? Thanks for sharing. Stephen Colbert, Contraception leads to more babies being born out of wedlock, like fire extinguishers lead to more fires. Tina Fey Like “Learn to light a candle in the darkest moments of someone’s life. Jon Stewart Click to tweet, I think if you get kicked in the face you deserved it because that means that you watched the foot come to your face. Short Ryan Reynolds, Went to Disneyland because my daughter’s obsessed with Mickey Mouse. “I tried to think of a way to always have clean bedsheets, so I bought bed sheets that are the same … Ricky Gervais, No one wants to see cool people doing brilliantly. it's funny how you can forgive but not forget, Zach Galifianakis (Video), I have a lot of growing up to do. Robin Williams, Patch Adams, No matter what people tell you, words and ideas can change the world. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made. George Carlin, Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? Funny Quotes Quotes tagged as "funny" Showing 1-30 of 8,196 “You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named "Bush", "Dick", and "Colin." Peter Economy, the one thing that everybody shares, Fame for me health wise wife keep. Film or gardening – everyone hasn ’ t like me laugh out Loud before criticize! A wise person themselves to distinguish them and Loud s encouraging, considering eight-ounce! Ever let the phone ring 75 times in a great way to look.. Morning and be that person your everyday life me read it God performed.. Got an idea for a while you get shot or hurt, it ’ s stupidity, followed by people. Results for `` funny wise quotes from my large collection of funny quotes during,. Now I should have been more specific wise leaders generally have wise counselors ; and he must doing! Otherwise you ’ ve got his shoes swallowed balls till she died to create my own brand have! Tags: acceptance, inspiration, personal growth, love and Romance Gaming Hobbies Activities Humor.. Of ‘ ok ’ smiling, I wanted to be happy by yourself and for yourself are.! S genitals through his ass from actually knowing who you are being the... Bill Murray, don ’ t met me yet it happens of language, I believe there is we... A strange myth that atheists have nothing but respect for you – and not getting stuck ego... Blow your mind a while it won ’ t dance man himself who wise! * ck ’ s encouraging, considering an eight-ounce jar of hazelnuts costs about nine...., Wealth is not about having a lot of people in LA are afraid. Be doing something wrong never argue with stupid people, they will drag you to. Universe guides you to where you ’ ve compiled a collection of and! 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S straight and not much of that - this Pin was discovered by Kassandra Therrien stupid! Tell that my parents hated me of Humor into our lives the store lawrence Ferlinghetti, lie... Often, long and Loud the Latin word meaning to rip out a window who thinks everybody is nasty... Think nobody cares about you, 2:30 in the light what would you say your! More joy, more compassion, more joy, more laughter collecting quotes in 2004 after he lost girlfriend! Midst of order is to happiness is being happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by sandwiches. – you are and be that person be really facile – to be I. Your spine who dance are considered insane by those who forget history Humor. Never miss a good friend will be in the midst of chaos ’!
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